Chapter 8 Chrissie Learns to Serve


Chapter 8
Chrissie Learns to Serve

The weekend was a blur as the overdose of hormones rushed through my
body. The nurse in the clinic I visit every week obviously had a big envy
thing going on with Helen, my doctor and the woman I have devoted myself
to. Instead of my normal dose of oestrogen she took advantage of Helen’s
absence and hiked up the treatment considerably, threatening to report
her to the medical board if I ever revealed what she had done to me. I
had no choice but to accept my fate and go through even more hot flashes
than I had ever experienced. I mostly stayed in bed with mommy who had
come up from Sydney to help me after my breast implant surgery. We had to
keep ourselves in good shape because we were both starting our new jobs
at Derek’s brothel in Mayfair on Monday. Mommy was going to be the new
receptionist and I was going to be the first t-girl to work there. Both
of us were going to be the centre of a lot of scrutiny in the coming week
because I sensed a lot of the women that worked there weren’t comfortable
with my sexual identity. It helped that the matron, Kate, had hit it off
with both of us during our Friday afternoon briefing.

My soon-to-be ex-wife, Heidi, is off in Ibiza with Helen until early
Monday evening. I am going to be served divorce papers shortly, which is
actually a relief for me because one of my wife’s lovers has made her
pregnant and they are planning to keep the baby. My wife and Helen are
friends which is why I ended up in Helen’s hands when my jealousy over my
wife’s affairs began to destroy our marriage. I married Heidi over five
years ago when both mommy and I decided that our life together was
getting out of hand and I tried escape the binds of the deeply submissive
relationship I had with her and regain my masculinity. It was a mistake
from the start as Heidi made clear, even before we were betrothed. I was
never going to be man enough to satisfy her deep sexual needs, although
it took Helen’s help to fully realise that and accept who I am. When we
arrived in London Heidi took me to Helen who immediately recognised the
problem and temporarily put me on a dose of Depo-Provera, which is a
wonder d**g that chemically castrates a man. With my sexual drive gone
the jealousy disappeared along with it, but Helen didn’t stop there. At
the same time she began me on a rigorous course of oestrogen treatment
that brought out my feminine nature, changed my body significantly and
shrunk my inadequate sexual organs to the minuscule size they are now.
Thankfully, Helen finally took me off the Depo-Provera, helped arrange my
breast implant surgery and ultimately introduced me to Derek, who owns
the brothel I am soon to be working in.

Derek also took my virginity. He was the first man I ever went down on to
completion and took inside me. Both my mother and I have had his brand
tattooed on our ass, a requirement for all the girls who work for him. I
have entered into an open ended commitment to him and will work until he
decides I am no longer of use as a sissy prostitute which, according to
the Kate, might be as long as 20 years. All the funds I make will be
placed in my new benevolent owner’s account. Helen, who revealed my
wife’s plan to leave me, has now taken control of my life and I have
fully committed to being under her control. I have a discrete tattoo on
the back of my neck, which is normally covered by my shoulder length
hair, which states that I am Helen’s property. I am as equally proud of
that as I am of having Derek’s initials tattooed on my ass cheek.

A lot of people would think my relationship with my mother is sick, but
she was the one who I first had sex with and is really the love of my
life. I was and still am deeply devoted to her and she recognised from
the moment when I was 13 years old and begged to go down on her freshly
used pussy and lap up her lover’s seed, that I was never going to be the
sort of alpha-male who could satisfy a woman. Each time I pushed her
boundaries she became more empowered as a woman and I became more
submissive. After my father died when I was 18 the process of feminising
me began in earnest and I only dressed as a male when I was outside the
house. At my insistence my mother began to enjoy the sight of me drinking
her morning pee, licking her ass clean after she emptied her bowels and
bending over and accepting the lashes she gave daily with the riding crop
I bought her. When I left she married a handsome, rich and much younger
man and moved to Australia. At 55 she is still a stunning woman and,
although there is a 25 year age gap between us, we are now mistaken for
s****rs, never mother and c***d.

We are slight, thin and petite. Her blonde hair has darkened so she
highlights it now whereas my hair is honey blonde with platinum streaks.
My mother has a wicked sexual imagination and my new life fascinates her.
Her only regret is that she didn’t fully feminise me in my youth. If she
had started me on hormones in my teenage years I might have naturally
developed my breasts, although our sex life would have been curtailed.
She understood that my sexual satisfaction was wrapped up in a desire to
be totally submissive and she understood that each step of degradation
she could inflict on me only made me more committed to her.

I would hide myself in my bedroom in the afternoons after I got back from
school whilst she had her well endowed lovers over and, when they left, I
would join her in bed and wait with anticipation for her to rest her
hands on the top of my head and push me down between her legs where I
would lick her pussy clean before getting her off with my tongue. I knew
the individual taste of her lovers who were both of my uncles. They were
the sort of alpha-males my father and I weren’t. When my mother did
finally allow me to enter her I always did so when her pussy was slick
with a combination of their thick semen and her love juices and I always
felt inadequate as I never experienced the tightness that their large
cocks did and I could never control myself and always spent my seed
within seconds. After I was done with her then my mother would smile and
push me down to clean up the mess I made.

Saturday and Sunday was largely a blur for me. My mother sometimes played
with my little cock and, when I was swept up in a strong hormonal rush,
she would use the dildo on me to help loosen me for the coming week. She
also would gently suck my enlarged nipples which sent waves of pleasure
through me. My breasts are my most sensitive points. I can feel my
mother’s fingers when she toys with my cock and balls but that does not
send the jolt of electricity through me like when my nipples are touched.

I woke up early Monday morning because mommy had to be at the brothel at
9:00 am and I had to be there at 10:30. After work we were going to
Helen’s apartment. I am going to take up residence there in the guest
bedroom and mommy is going to stay in my house, or at least that is the
plan. I quietly got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At mommy’s
suggestion I gave myself an enema to make sure I was clean for my
clients. Then I quickly showered and washed my hair. I blow dried it
downstairs so as not to wake my mother and made coffee and toast for her,
which I carried up on a tray to serve her in bed. I put it on the floor
and gently nudged mommy’s shoulder to wake her. She woke with a start,
smiled at me and bounded off to the toilet. When she returned she carried
a large glass of her morning pee for me to drink.

&#034I wonder if Helen is going to give you that every morning,&#034 mommy said
as she watched me eagerly drink it. &#034In some ways that would make me
jealous. I love the idea of having a part of me inside you every day.&#034

Mommy slipped under the covers and plumped up two pillows behind her. I
put the tray on her lap and went around to the other side of the bed and
slipped under the covers. We were both nude except for the bra I was
wearing to protect my breasts, which were still somewhat sensitive. I
snuggled up to my mother and stroked her leg under the covers while she
drank her coffee and ate her toast.

&#034You must be nervous today,&#034 mommy said as she finished her coffee and
put the tray on the floor next to the bed. &#034You’ve only had one real man
inside you and today you are going to have to get used to having lots of
men each day.&#034

Before I could reply my phone buzzed with a text message. Mommy picked it
up from the bedside table and handed it to me. I could see the message
was from Helen so I quickly downloaded it and read it.

&#034It’s from Helen,&#034 I said to mommy as I scrolled down the message. &#034She
wants me to go to John Lewis and pick up some clothes and things she has
ordered online for me and she has invited you to dinner at her apartment
this evening at 8:00 pm. I am supposed to pick up some food and wine and
make something nice. I am going to her place directly after work and get
everything ready. I’ll pack a bag with some of my clothes and things and
take it to work and, after I go to John Lewis I’ll take a cab to Helen’s.
She gave me a key before she left.&#034

&#034I’ll come back home after I am done and freshen up,&#034 mommy said, getting
up from bed. &#034Let me go in and shower and get dressed. I have to be there
in an hour.&#034

While mommy was preparing herself for her first day of work as a
receptionist I made the bed, straightened her things, picked up her dirty
clothes and put them in the hamper and went to the kitchen and did the
dishes. After she kissed me goodbye I packed some things in a small
overnight bag, put makeup on and got dressed. I put on a suspender belt,
stockings, matching bra and panties and slipped into a shift dress,
finishing the look off with black heels. When I looked at myself in the
mirror I was pleased. I didn’t look like I was off to work as a
prostitute. I looked like a normal suburban woman dressed for a luncheon
date. After packing some toiletries in my handbag I locked up the house
and caught a taxi to the Mayfair brothel. It was a well enough known
house of prostitution that the taxi driver gave me a knowing look when I
told him my destination.

When I entered the brothel the phones were ringing off the hook and my
mother had a harried look on her face as she quickly acknowledged me. One
of the girls gave me a suspicious glance and directed me to the kitchen,
which was the unofficial staff lounge for the girls. The other girls were
drinking tea and talking among themselves but quieted when Kate entered
the room.

&#034Ok, listen up,&#034 Kate said, speaking loudly so we all could hear her.
&#034We’ve got Chrissie starting with us today. I know all of you were upset
that Derek chose to bring a t-girl to join us but I want each of you to
look at the tattoo on the back of her neck today.&#034

I pulled my hair aside so the girls could see my tattoo which stated that
I was Helen’s property and a few of them giggled, but they mostly seemed
to accept me and I began to feel a little like a belonged. Nevertheless I
was blushing deeply because of the attention.

&#034Chrissie is a submissive sissy and his little cock can’t get hard
anymore,&#034 Kate told the girls. &#034When you have some free time today, feel
free to take a look at it. Once you see it you will realise he is about
as far away from being a man as we are. We are only allowing naturally
dominant clients to see him. This house is only for heterosexual men.
Every straight guy has a t-girl kink they explore occasionally and that’s
why Derek chose Chrissie to join us.&#034

&#034We are booked solidly today so try to make the clients satisfied and get
them out of the door as soon as possible,&#034 Kate added. &#034Make sure the
maids change the sheets quickly and spray some air freshener so it didn’t
smell just like sex. Watch your hygiene and clean yourself after each
client has left. Remember to spray a little underarm deodorant before you
see a new client and put new lipstick on. By the end of the day you’ll
start smelling so take a shower after you are finished.&#034

&#034Chrissie, I want you to follow me now,&#034 Kate said, levelling her gaze at
me. &#034I want to talk to you alone and show you where to put your things.&#034

I followed Kate through the kitchen door and further back in the house.
We reached a small room with a number of hooks on the wall. She gave me a
hanger and showed me where to leave my handbag and overnight case. I
quickly slipped off my dress, hung it up neatly and followed her to the
office and closed the door behind me. She sat on the chair behind the
desk and indicated with a nod of her head the chair she wanted me to sit
in. I felt uncomfortable just wearing knickers, a bra, stockings and
heels, but that was a feeling I would have to get over if I was going to
join Derek’s group of women.

&#034I didn’t quite expect the reaction we got when I sent the email notice
today to our clients with the pictures of the girls who are working
today,&#034 she said studying the appointment book that was laid out on her
desk. &#034You are already booked solidly through till Friday evening with 12
appointments each day, so we are throwing you into the deep end on your
first day. You’ve got to keep smiling, make your clients comfortable and,
for God’s sake, do whatever you have to do to get them off and out the

&#034Your room is on the first floor and has your name on it,&#034 Kate added.
&#034Once the client leaves find a maid to change the sheets and go into the
toilet and freshen up. There are two tubes of lubricant up there. If you
run out tell a maid and she’ll get you more. Your mother will show the
clients into the room and tell them to undress. She will put a bow on the
outside doorknob to let you know that the client is waiting for you. Take
that bow off the knob and put it on the dresser when you go in. You may
get tips and those are for you to keep. Put them in the dresser until you
leave. You don’t have to worry, nobody will take them.

&#034Now you have to get to work,&#034 Kate said, glancing at the clock on her
desk. &#034Hurry up to your room. There will be a client there waiting for

I stood up, took a deep breath and went out of the office and up the
stairs to the first floor. I walked down the hall and noticed my name on
a plaque which hung from a hook on the door and noted that a bow was
hanging from the doorknob. I took it off and tossed it on the dresser
after I entered the room and climbed into bed with my first client. He
was relatively handsome and fit, with a smooth chest and muscular
shoulders. I could see he was married by the ring on his left hand. It
helped put me at ease when he smiled as he looked over my body.

I moved next to him and let him take me in his arms. I felt small when he
held me and I just followed my instincts as I kissed his chest and moved
my hand down to his already hard cock and fondled it.

&#034This is something that I want inside me,&#034 I whispered into his ear,
gripping his cock tightly and moving my hand up and down on it. &#034Please
let me suck it first and lick your balls for awhile before you fuck me.&#034

I didn’t wait for a response before I moved my head down and took his
balls in my mouth and gently sucked him, whilst using my hand to excite
him further. Then I lifted my head and licked the precum off his helmet
and lowered my mouth on his cock. I began to moan with pleasure as a wave
of hormones passed through my body, heating my chest and making me flush.

&#034God, you are so fucking hot,&#034 said my client, whose name I hadn’t
bothered to ask. &#034I am going to drill my cock inside you and fucking fill
you with my hot cum. I got so fucking hard looking at your picture in the
email today that I have been hard ever since.&#034

He pulled me up, literally flipped me over and lifted my ass up. It was
all happening so fast and I was into the throes of a hormonal rush, so I
couldn’t help but moan with pleasure as I heard him slap some lubricant
on his hard cock and pull my knickers aside and begin to enter me.
Thankfully, he was gentle at first. Perhaps he sensed that he was one of
the first men to have me and knew he would hurt me if he entered me too
quickly, but when he was fully inside me he began pumping his cock deeply
in and out of my hole with a v******e that only made the hormonal rushes
that were sweeping through my body more powerful. With each thrust he
took I moaned with pleasure and I could tell he was getting near a climax
with he became more erratic in his movements. I reached underneath my
body and took his balls in my hand and could feel them contract when he
began emptying his load into me.

It was all over in ten minutes and as he got up from the bed and I could
hear him putting his clothes on I stayed where I was, my face in a
pillow, and tried to regain my senses. I could only turn my head to smile
at him as he buckled up his trousers and put on his suit jacket. He had
that superior look of an alpha male who had just used someone solely for
their pleasure. It was not an insolent look, but it did convey the sense
of superiority he felt over me, which was only made more apparent when he
put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a couple of twenty pound notes
and tossed them on the bed. He left without a word.

I did my best to gather myself up for the next customer which didn’t take
a lot of work. I had already been thoroughly fucked and hadn’t even taken
off my heels or knickers. Thankfully my knickers were black and netted
which would help to camouflage the wet semen which was already leaking
from me. I bounded out of the room, found a maid and went into the
bathroom to clean up. It took five minutes to pee and clean myself with a
wet cloth. When I closed the bathroom door I could see the bow hanging
from the doorknob of my room.

It was like that all day, without even a pause for lunch. Only two of my
clients had offered me their names although I am sure most men don’t
reveal their real identity to hookers. I was helped greatly by the
hormonal rushes that swept through me each time a new client put his cock
inside me, but the experience wore me out and, by the time the last
client spent his seed, I felt like a limp doll and I could tell by my
telltale scent that I needed a shower more than anything in the world.

I felt soiled but, instead of being ashamed by that sensation, it made me
feel proud that so many men had found me so sexually alluring and had put
their cocks into me, knowing they were far from being the first to do
that on my first day in my new life. I went into the bathroom, locked the
door, stripped off my stockings, knickers and bra and took a quick
shower. Not having a choice, I had to put my soiled lingerie back on
before I went down and put my dress back on. I was still leaking and
could feel semen dribbling down my legs and making my stocking tops damp.
There wasn’t anything I could do about that except not sit down and stain
my dress and wait for the leakage to stop.

After going to the kitchen and quickly eating a couple of biscuits, I
made my way to the reception area where mommy was gathering things up.
She looked up at me with a smile and quickly went back to packing things
in her handbag and putting the cash she had accumulated into a thick bag.
She filled out a deposit slip, zipped up the bag and locked it.

&#034I have to drop this off at the bank’s night deposit box,&#034 mommy said,
smiling brightly at me. &#034I can walk you part of the way to John Lewis and
we can talk about your first day.&#034

We left together and walked in silence for a few blocks. The day had been
a whirlwind and it was impossible for me to organise my thoughts. Mommy
seemed to sense that and offered to pull my overnight case after she had
dropped the cash off into the bank’s outside lock box.

&#034The first thing I have to do is bring another pair of knickers to put on
after work and get some sanitary pads,&#034 I said to mommy. &#034I can feel
myself still leaking. I didn’t have to use any lube after 12:00. I don’t
want to sit down now and stain my dress.&#034

&#034We can walk to John Lewis and take the bus from there back to Notting
Hill and you can stand all the way,&#034 mommy suggested. &#034I’ll help you with
the bags. I don’t have to go back to your house to freshen up for dinner.
I’ll just stay with you and help you with the shopping.&#034

When we got to the department store we gathered up the large package
Helen had ordered for me and headed out into Kings Road and took the bus
to Kensington where we changed to another bus which stopped right in
front of Helen’s apartment building in Notting Hill. We ran upstairs
dropped my overnight bag off and the packages from John Lewis and went to
the grocery store. I had almost forgotten the money I had collected from
tips and just stuffed in my bag. When I got inside the store I counted
out almost £200 in crumpled bills so I used that money to buy three
lobsters, salad and three bottles of a nice white wine. I also got a pack
of highly absorbent sanitary pads.

I lugged the bag of groceries back to the apartment, put them in the
refrigerator and I slipped into the bathroom to put a sanitary napkin on
my cum soaked panties. Then mommy and I opened the package from John
Lewis that Helen had ordered online for me. There were six cheap packaged
black dresses, more like long smocks, wrapped in plastic which were
described on the packaging as maid’s uniforms. Each one had been
personalised with my name embroidered in white thread on the left side of
the uniform above the breast. I took one of them out of the packaging and
realised the hemline would end just about mid thigh. They were polyester
and stiff. They looked like just the sort of uniform the upper classes
made their maids wear. I found the invoice that came with the package
and, when I looked at the list of items I saw that the monogrammed maid’s
dresses only cost £20 each. There was also a pair of plain two inch black
heels in the package, six pairs of black ‘granny’ knickers, a package of
black hair ties, two plain black bras, a small brass bell of the sort
used to call a servant and six pairs of 60 denier black opaque tights,
size small.

When I showed them to mommy she just gave me a sympathetic smile. Then
my phone buzzed with a text from Helen. I opened it and scrolled down to
read it. It was a simple one line text telling me that there was an
envelope with my name on it in the top drawer of the dresser. I went into
the bedroom and came back with the envelope and read it with mommy.

Dear Chrissie

Everyday after you come home from work and freshen up, I want you to put
your hair in a ponytail and put your uniform on. You will wear your
uniform at all times in the house until you have to go to work.

You are to clean the house and prepare dinner for me, which will be
served in the dining room, at 7:00 pm each evening. You will eat
separately in the kitchen. I will ring the bell if I need you. I expect
there to be a chilled bottle of wine waiting for me when I come home from
work and for you to serve me a glass without prompting once I am seated
in the living room.

You are not to speak to me unless spoken to and that applies also to any
guests I may have over. I am to be woken at exactly 8:00 am with coffee.
You will make sure that there is a fresh towel for my shower and I have
all the toiletries I need. You will clean my bathroom every day and you
will change the sheets on the bed every three days or sooner if I have
had sex the previous night. The sheets should be ironed.

All my clothes must be meticulously cared for and my needs should be
anticipated. You will live in the maid’s room at the back of the
apartment. There is a separate service entrance in the rear of the
building which you will use to come and go from the apartment. At no
point are you to enter through the main entrance of the apartment block.

If there is an important matter you would like to discuss with me leave a
note on my bedside table and I will speak with you at my leisure.

You have every Saturday off but your curfew is 9:00 pm and you can only
leave the apartment after I have woken and you have served me coffee.
Except for shopping for food and household goods you are not to leave the
premises except to go to work. You are to come straight home from work,
although you may stop in the shops to buy necessary supplies. You will
not answer the phone in my absence nor use it for your own personal
purposes, unless it is business related.

I hope you enjoyed your first day of work.

Yours sincerely


I took my overnight bag, the maid’s uniforms and all the other bits to
the back of the apartment and opened the door to a small room which would
be where a maid would sl**p. A bare light bulb hung from the ceiling and
the only furniture was a bare single bed with a side table. I opened the
wardrobe and unpacked my bag and took all the other items out of their
wrapping and hung them up. I barely noticed that I was crying the entire
time I was in the room. It felt like my very soul had been crushed and I
almost looked back wistfully at my old life, which only ended a day or so
ago. Then all I really had to worry about was an errant wife. Now the
future looked like endless days at the brothel interspersed with my time
at my new home where I was expected to wait on Helen hand and foot. I did
as instructed, though, taking off my shift dress carefully and hanging it
up, removing all my lingerie and carefully taking the soaked sanitary pad
off my knickers.

I reapplied a new pad to my granny panties before slipping them on,
unwrapped a pair of tights and carefully pulled them up, put on a plain
black bra and slipped on my maid’s uniform before putting on my new
heels. Then I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and slipped on a hair
tie to hold it back. I stepped into the small bathroom and looked myself
in the cracked mirror. I could hear mommy mindlessly humming a tune in
the kitchen the entire time I was changing. I carefully washed the tears
from my eyes and walked back through the apartment to Helen’s bedroom,
which had an adjoining bathroom twice the size of my maid’s room. I
started on the bathtub first, scrubbing it with the cleaning liquids and
sponges I found under the bathroom sink. Then I cleaned the sink and got
down on my hands and knees and sponged the floor clean. I tackled Helen’s
bed next, changing the sheets and pillowcases. When I was satisfied I
vacuumed the entire apartment and mopped the kitchen floor.

After the cleaning was done I gathered the dirty sheets and the clothes
from the hamper in Helen’s room and went out the service door in the back
of the apartment and carried them to the cleaners. I could see the
contempt on the face of the girl behind the counter as she looked at my
uniform, carefully noting the name which was embroidered on my chest.
Then I went to a white goods store and bought sheets, towels, a pillow
and a comforter for my single bed.

When I came back to the apartment I went into the living room. My mother
waved her empty wine glass to indicate she wanted a refill, not even
looking up from the magazine she was perusing. I took it from her hand
and walked to the kitchen and filled the glass with white wine. By the
time I had put in on the coffee table in front of her the front door
opened and I could hear Helen enter. I went to greet her and when we
confronted each other in the foyer she looked me up and down and gave me
a slight smile.

&#034I expect a curtsy when you greet me in the future,&#034 said Helen, adding
some steel to her voice. &#034Now get me a glass of wine and then take my bag
into the bedroom and unpack and bring some slippers out for me. My shoes
are killing me.&#034

I went into the kitchen again and poured Helen a glass of wine. I could
hear her enthusiastically greeting my mother and, shortly thereafter, a
brief burst of laughter from both women. I carried the glass back on a
tray and served it to Helen. She and mommy were both sitting on the sofa
talking together. Then I collected Helen’s bag and took it to the bedroom
where I unpacked it, throwing most of the dirty clothes into the hamper.
When I had finished I took Helen’s slippers to her, kneeled on the floor
and took off her shoes and put them on. She didn’t acknowledge me nor did
she thank me. The same was true for mommy. Her gaze was focused on Helen
and I could already sense some electricity in the room.

I went to the kitchen, prepared dinner, set the table and informed Helen
and mommy that their meal was prepared. While they ate I made sure that
their glasses were topped up. After they were finished and retired to the
living room I filled an ice bucket, opened a new bottle of white wine and
set it before them on the coffee table.

&#034Finish up the cleaning and make sure the table is wiped clean and
waxed,&#034 Helen said to me. &#034After you are finished then go right to bed.&#034

I nodded my head and turned to leave the room, realising that mommy
hadn’t really said a word to me after she had read Helen’s note. I also
realised that there was more building in her relationship with Helen than
just friendship. Before I could close the door and leave the two women in
privacy I was interrupted by Helen’s sharp voice.

&#034I noticed that you looked me in the eyes when I told you to go to your
room,&#034 Helen said sharply. &#034You will keep your eyes lowered when you look
at me from now on or you will be severely punished.&#034

I lowered my head and simply nodded, hiding the tears that were building
in my eyes, and left the room, closing the door quietly behind me. I
could hear laughter as I made my way to the kitchen to clean up. Once I
was done I went to my room and took out my prescription of oestrogen
pills. The only way I made it through my first day of work was because of
the hot rushes that ran through my body every time a new man entered me
and the only reason I am still having those flashes three days after my
shot is because the nurse had upped the dosage of what she described as
‘girl juice’ considerably. I am supposed to take two tablets of oestrogen
in the evening to keep the level of hormones in me level during the week
but I popped four in my mouth and dry swallowed them in the hope I will
have the same intense rushes tomorrow as I had today. The truth is I am
addicted to the hot rushes that flush my chest and roil through my body
and fill me with feminine and submissive urges. If I am going to live the
life Helen has planned for me, I will have to have one secret addiction
to help me through.

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